Different.

I'm nice. If you think about it. But it's when I lose my temper that I become a mean person. Or when I'm simply feeling uncharitable. But I have a conscience probably stronger than any. I feel guilty after refusing to vacuum the toughest carpet in the house... That's not normal. Or at least, not that I can see. Look at Nick, she can refuse what she knows she cannot do without feeling guilt. But I have to try. I do not like that. The disappointment is sometimes overwhelming...

Please, sir, don't you walk away
don't you walk away.

I hate this. I'm tired. Maybe the feelings and emotions do go a little crazy sometimes. But now it just feels like nothing is worth it. I feel sad. For no reason. Except that of a certain person. Not entirely her fault either. But I suppose I should re-learn the importance of living to the fullest. And not by an e-mail. I need school. I need it. Badly.
Right now, the most important thing I want are my friends. I wish I could call them. But wishes make for unfruitful times. But still, hope is not something easily suppressed; I always thought that the people on TV, the ones in those shows where they said that living without hope was living without was living without pain were stupid. Now I think it might be true. It hurts, this face. I want it to change. It literally hurts. Almost like the pain from a cut, but slightly different, this goes under somehow. I've managed a smile, but I get the feeling that my eyes don't match what shows on my mouth.
The smile's gone now. It felt good to keep it there. Now the emptiness is gone. The smile's back and my eyes fit perfectly. But it's a sad smile. Like I wish I could've not felt that at all. It was a bad feeling. And a stupid one. But now the smile's accompanied by blind obedience. I will do whatever you ask. But usually this good feeling does not last. Why? Why is it that the best things are the hardest to maintain? I wish it was otherwise. Now I'm tired. But I mustn't sleep.